Dear Professor Brad Blackstone,
My name is Wong Shu Ting, Josephine and I would like to take this chance to formally introduce myself. I am in my second year of studies towards a bachelor of engineering with honours in telematics at Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT). I do understand that it comes as a surprise that I'm currently taking a year one module. I entered school approximately two months later in my first year and I was not able to take up this module.
I was participating in a competition called WorldSkills International under the trait, mobile robotics representing Singapore. I was a developing technologist in Nanyang Polytechnic (NYP) and I was receiving coaching from my lecturers alongside with industry experts. The competition took place during October and I was immersed in a very different cultural experience from competitors all over the world including China, Canada, India and many others. The mobile robotics field was explored into differently and I gained many insights from this competition. This competition might not have come off with winning a medal but the experience and lesson I been through was a lifetime worth of memories I can reminisce and advance myself on. Knowing about the internet of things and robotics have always been a passion of mine since young too, that's how I ended up in telematics.
My strength in communication is that I am comfortable with public speaking. It was never a concern to me to be speaking to a crowd. Back when I was in my polytechnic, I often have to speak to a crowd as I was participating in a student's union club. There was an event when I was speaking to a crowd of 500 people, I was holding a "president position" for a school camp and I was facilitating the activities. It was an enjoyable experience and I always continue to look for future opportunities to partake in.
My weakness in communication comes as a correlation with my strength. As much as I do enjoy public speaking, at times, I feel uncomfortable asking for help. I want to be efficient in my work by myself but I have learnt throughout group projects and team discussion that I should not be afraid to ask for help when needed. It's always better to ask for help and get it done right instead of not asking and suffering the after consequences too.
I'm always excited to be learning new things. Upon hearing that I will be entering your class, I went to ask my peers about it, like what you expected "most people said your class is tough". I personally don't have a strong foundation of English command being brought up from a Chinese-speaking family but I'm always up to be evaluated and tutored upon to improve myself. I do understand that it's not a one time spark and it's a lifelong lesson I must continue by myself in order to improve too. With the start of this module, I would like to kick-start my life to get a better foundation in my spoken and written language.
Thank you, Mr Brad, for taking your time to read this letter. I look forward to attending your upcoming lessons.
Yours sincerely,
Josephine Wong
Commented: Sean, Rycca, Atiqah, Luna
Last Edited: 11 October 2018
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Josephine, what an interesting story. The email is well-organised and smooth-flowing. Each pointer is linked together flawlessly. For language wise, there are a few errors:
ReplyDelete1) Coincidentally, the course I went to in my polytechnic is Telematics and Media Technology too. You can use "took" instead of "went to"
2)I do understand that it's surprising that I'm taking a year one module now.
The sentence structure for this particular sentence is a little awkward. Please refrain from using "I'm" You might want to use this instead; "It might be a surprise that I am taking a year one module now."
Overall, an interesting story and a great effort. Let's continue and help each other improve in Technical Communications
Hi Sean
DeleteThank you for letting me know what I should improve on. I will edit this and in the future I will improve on my structuring so that I can create better content in the future.
Warmest Regards
Josephine
Dear Josephine,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this detailed reflection. I enjoyed learning about you in this letter, in particular about your interest in robotics and your participation in the WorldSkills competition.
You've also included the elements of the assignment. However, as you discuss a communication weakness and strength you are a bit vague without mentioning any specific area, and you have not included concrete (specific) supporting details.
Of course, I appreciate you being a person who wants to improve their skills. We can start in this assignment. In terms of language use, here are a few items to consider and revise:
1. sentence structure
-- Knowing about the internet of things and robotics have always been a passion of mine since young too, that's how I ended up in telematics too. >>> (commpa splice)
-- Upon hearing that I will be entering your class, I went to ask my peers about it, like what you expected "most people said your class is tough". >>> (comma splice)
2. verb form
-- Over at that course, we are a designer-centric based course. >>> (verb tense, use of 'course' twice) ?
-- Upon hearing that I will be entering your class, I went to ask my peers about it... >>> Upon hearing that I WOULD be entering your class, I went to ask my peers about it...
3. use of punctuation / caps
-- the course I went to in my polytechnic is Telematics and Media Technology too... >>> (caps needed?)
-- I personally don't have a strong foundation of English command being brought up from a Chinese-speaking family but I'm always up to be evaluated and tutored upon to improve myself to be the best of what I can be. >>> (need for comma)
I look forward to getting to know ypu better this term.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Mr Brad Blackstone,
DeleteThank you for the valuable feedback. I will edit it accordingly for this post and will continue to improve on my next post.
Warmest Regards,
Josephine
Dear Josephine,
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing a formal self-introduction, I enjoyed it. It was interesting in a sense that it allowed me to get to know you better. I especially enjoyed reading about how your interest in robotics started. Your introduction flowed smoothly and usage of language was good as well.
However, there are some areas of improvement. For example:
1)Instead of saying “I was participating in a competition called WorldSkills International under the trait, mobile robotics representing Singapore”, you can say “I was representing Singapore in a competition called WorldSkills International under the trait, mobile robotics”.
2)When using the phrase “for me”, there should not be a “-“ between the two words.
3)Instead of saying “Oftentimes, I hesitate to question when I needed assistance with my work”, you can say “Oftentimes, I hesitate to ask questions when I need assistance with my work”.
All in all, your self-introduction is well written. Let’s work well and support each other in the weeks to come!
Kind Regards,
Atiqah
Hello Atiqah,
DeleteThank you for giving me your opinion on my introduction letter. I have edited the letter accordingly. I look forward to working with you in future classes too.
Warmest Regards,
Josephine